Tag Archives: e.m.PD

Santa is a Night Owl – With e.m.PD

25 Wednesday Dec 2013

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emPD SantaFor the past several weeks people everywhere have been hustling and bustling, holiday shopping lists and party invitations clenched tightly in their fists. Bell ringers were strategically posted by choice retail doors to remind us of the spirit of this giving season. Grown men and women were not the least bit embarrassed to be seen in public wearing pointy hats and ugly Christmas sweaters. Just this past week alone, traffic within two miles of any mall has been bumper to bumper all day long. Ah yes, the activities of holiday celebrations are in full swing.

I have to admit to being the teeniest bit annoyed with the intrusiveness of it all, when in the midst of my Scroogitude I had an epiphany – Santa is a Night Owl with e.m.PD! That realization changed me, and I transformed from a scrooge to a sleuth. On Christmas Eve I decided it was time to prove my hypothesis, so I made plans to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, hoping to get an interview with the jolly old owl when he stopped by my place to deliver gifts.

While I waited, I monitored his travel progress on NORAD, and baked chocolate chip cookies. Given the right set of circumstances, I am not above resorting to bribery.

I also took the time to review pages and pages of data related to this Santa Owl, I could hardly wait to officially welcome him as a fellow member of the e.m.PD community.

Well, I’m not as young as I used to be, and the last few days have been exhausting, what with the hustling and bustling and all. When I awakened from my slumber, daylight was streaming through the blinds. Humbug!

A quick scan of my surroundings revealed that nothing was out of place, and nothing had been added to the landscape – not one single present. But, by that same token, I didn’t see any coal or coal residue.

I made my way to the kitchen, noting that several cookies were missing from the tray, and there was an empty milk glass on the counter. Then I remembered how much I enjoy a glass of cold milk with chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven… I guess that explains the carb coma.

So, long story about to get longer, I don’t have confirmation from the primary source, but I am sure Santa is a Night Owl with e.m.PD.

Wait a minute now, before you completely discount my assertion let’s take a look at the following data I have collected on Santa:

    Willing to live in isolation to avoid early morning interactions: Perhaps a bit extreme, but let’s face it, there’s no such thing as someone just being in the neighborhood and dropping by for a visit when you live at the North Pole.
    Prefers to work alone, late at night: Delivering gifts around the world is a solitary task, but I think it is a choice rather than a necessity.
    When required to work with others, prefers like-minded individuals: No one seems to know for sure, but the assistants, aka Elves, are believed to be indigenous to the area and are most likely night owls as well.
    Tries to avoid interacting with others: According to the available data, he waits until his target is sleeping before he makes his appearance to complete his delivery tasks.
    People who attempt to engage during his “me” time generally find themselves on the naughty list: I may be on that list now, but a sleuth has to at least try.
    Prefers staying up all night to get his work done over getting an early start in the morning: And we’re talking a six-month night here. It starts getting dark in late September and he doesn’t see daylight again until late in March. I find it interesting that the peak of darkness at the North Pole occurs during Christmas week. Very interesting indeed.

So there it is. You decide. I hope you have a Blessed Holiday Season… and I did get some pretty cool gifts by the way, they were delivered to my daughter’s house. Guess he has a sense of humor as well.

End entry .\ /.

21 Signs That You May Have early morning Personality Disorder

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

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e.m.PD Warning SignAs I continue my research with early morning Personality Disorder, or e.m.PD, I have found that members of the group tend to report, and exhibit, several fairly common characteristics. I have compiled these characteristic behaviors into a list of signs that can be used to validate the presence of e.m.PD. Feel free to use this resource as a tool to determine whether you, or someone you know, might have e.m.PD.

If 3 or more of the warning signs on this list apply to you, you may have e.m.PD.
(It helps to channel Jeff Foxworthy while reading)

You know you might have e.m.PD if…

  1. on waking in the morning, you lie in bed and pretend to be asleep for as long as possible to avoid conversation with your significant other.
  2. your clock is set 20 minutes ahead of reality, and you pretend you don’t know so that you can have a little “me” time before facing your day.
  3. you spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower just to get your personality adjusted.
  4. the best part of your morning is NOON.
  5. you use the back door at work to avoid conversations with co-workers.
  6. your family leaves a caffeine offering on the counter and disappears.
  7. you have been known to snarl, hiss, and/or growl before you have your morning coffee.
  8. any conversations that occur prior to your first cup of coffee require a disclaimer.
  9. your subconscious response to a cheery “Good Morning!” is a withering scowl.
  10. you prefer seeing the sunrise at the end of your day.
  11. caffeine in large doses is a pre-requisite to morning conversation.
  12. you require a “personality adjustment” prior to engaging in social interactions occurring before 10:00 a.m.
  13. your friends and family frequently compare your morning disposition to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
  14. you feel a need to indulge in “chocolate therapy” prior to early morning social interactions.
  15. forgetting your Personality Spray™ leads to some tense social situations.
  16. the thought of engaging in social interactions before your coffee kicks in causes noticeable facial tics.
  17. you find the idea of waking up at six-thirty in the morning morally reprehensible.
  18. you barricade yourself in your office until you have time to get your personality adjusted.
  19. you consistently schedule events that require social interaction to begin after 10:00 a.m.
  20. you would rather BE up at 5:00 a.m. than to WAKE up at 5:00 a.m.
  21. you’re secretly working on a plot to take over the world and banish all morning types to the Emerald City – without shiny shoes.

emPD Warning

End entry .\ /.

e.m.PD: The Prequel

05 Saturday Oct 2013

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Grump MonsterSeveral years ago, my brother suffered a stroke. He was forty-something – barely forty-something.

One of the lingering side effects of the stroke was that this man – a man who was once the epitome of tact and protocol, suddenly developed a rather disconcerting habit of saying exactly what he thought of things – and people, and what he thought was heavily dependent on his mood at the time. I openly acknowledge that I was a little jealous that he got a free pass when he did this, because of the stroke and all, so I tried it (not the stroke part). We’re close like that. His pain – my pain. His pass – my pass.

Needless to say, I dived right in, feet first. My conversations became very efficient. Snip-snip-done. No more wracking my brain for the right thing to say in a given situation, just say what I really wanted to say, and move on. Who knew that speaking your mind could be so cathartic and liberating? When someone had the audacity to question my behavior I would explain that it was allowed, because my brother had suffered a stroke. I’m not quite sure why, but it didn’t work as well for me as it did for him. Nobody was willing to buy into my assertion that our bond, and his stroke, gave me license to share in his new personality traits. I soon realized that I would have to find another way to deal with my personal grump-monster, and own it. In order to do that, I would have to know what “it” was.

Discovering My Grump Monster’s Identity
Discovery is a process. My initial path to discovery was neither formal nor scientific. It came as a result of paying close attention to “me”, and making note of who I am. Over time, I noticed that there were recurring themes in my attitude toward life, and dealing with the people who entered my life’s bubble – my space. Most of the themes had names, and appeared to be reasonable explanations for why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. But there was one in particular that was yet to be named. It was an elusive constant, always showing up, but not really tangible.

True to the times we were living in, I figured hormones would be the most obvious culprit. I took a long, hard look at the messy monthly marauders that throw everything out of whack. I vaguely recall a popular T-shirt that proclaimed something along the lines of, “I have PMS and a gun. Any questions?” Interesting, but not quite the answer. Being hormonal was only an occasional contributor to the problem, and didn’t fully explain the rest of my grumpy behavior.

(Note to self: It has been suggested that men experience similar hormonal cycles, just not as messy. Need to look into this.)

Monthly personality issues were one thing, but the daily issue that I found myself dealing with – that elusive constant – was an animal of a different breed. I’m talking about my tendency to be very anti-social upon awakening in the wee hours of the morning. And by “wee” I mean anything before 10:00 a.m. There, I said it. When I have to wake up at six in the morning to get ready for my day, well, let’s just say it takes time and effort to get my attitude adjusted and ready to participate in social interactions.

This is a snapshot of that particular routine: I startle and reach blindly for the snooze button when the alarm blasts – it’s about an hour or so before the time I need to leave the house in order to arrive in a timely fashion for whatever event demands my presence. I say an hour or so because the clock is set to run at least ten to fifteen minutes ahead of reality. It’s a psychology thing, or maybe a psycho thing. Opening the tiniest slit I can manage in my eyelid curtain, I glare at the clock, as if I’m actually shocked the alarm sounded at the agreed upon time that I had set, just moments before calling it a night. The curtain closes, and I just lay there, knowing the alarm will blast again in nine minutes. Alarm. Snooze. Repeat. In between alarms I am thinking, and giving myself a little pep talk. I also say a little prayer before my feet ever hit the floor – I’m thankful for another day of life, and I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I finally roll out of bed, I make a beeline for the bathroom. I have found that a really long, hot shower does wonders for my personality, and I indulge for the sake of others. This is my refuge, my momentary sanctuary from social life.

I was actually in the shower when I had my Aha! moment. Like any great scientist, I felt that I had earned the right to name my little discovery. Grump Monster certainly didn’t fit the bill for something that could someday become the subject of academic study and animated discussion, perhaps even the cover story of a renowned medical journal. Standing there, in that steaming hot shower, I realized – I have early morning Personality Disorder. I have e.m.PD.

Finally! I had a name for the elusive constant, a name for the recurrent theme that had played a significant role in my attitude towards life, and people, for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t wait to test my theory, and the new name, on friends and family. I could finally tell them that this is a real condition – very complex, and very real. The most striking characteristic of e.m.PD is an aversion, of varying degree, to any type of social interaction when awakened during the early morning hours. For me, I’m fairly sociable after 10:00 a.m. If I wake up before that, I need time alone to get my personality adjusted. Right around 2:00 p.m. everything starts humming and I’m kicking it into high gear. My creativity tends to peak between the hours of 6:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., and life is good. Eventually, I go to bed, knowing full well that the e.m. hours are coming. Again.

End entry .\ /.

Larks and Owls and Hummingbirds? Oh My!

17 Wednesday Jul 2013

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Lark, Owl, Hummingbird
When it comes to personality traits surrounding the sleep-wake cycle and internal clocks, “normal” depends on your point of reference. In our Western society, and most other societies for that matter, we tend to gauge normal by something I refer to as “larkish” standards. That typically tends to be a diurnal, or two-part, cycle that is divided into day and night, where you are expected to be active during the day, and rest or sleep at night.

That doesn’t happen to be my normal. I march to the tock of a different clock, and I am of the mind that my particular clock is absolutely normal – because I am decidedly “owlish”.

Now that I’ve made reference to being larkish and owlish, I should probably explain. I don’t know which brilliant observer was first to identify these bird-like traits in our human behavior, or what prompted the comparison, but we’re going to just go with that train of thought here.

Lark

Let’s start with the Lark, also known in many circles as an Early Bird. This label is assigned to those early risers, up at the butt-crack of dawn, children of the cor – er, children of the light. The scientific term generally used to apply to this group is diurnal, as mentioned earlier – meaning they prefer to be active during the day and rest at night. It has been reported that Larks tend to reach their peak performance before noon, and begin to feel drained shortly after dinner, winding down in preparation for an early bedtime. Most Larks like to retire as early as they rise, calling it a night by nine, ten at the latest. A quick query using your favorite search engine would most likely lead you to the studies that report one out of every ten people can be classified as a Lark. You may also encounter a missive issued by Ben Franklin that says something about this particular behavior leading to health, wealth, and wisdom. Most people don’t realize that Mr. Franklin was probably leading a ‘do as I say’ lifestyle, as it is rumored that he had a fondness for “socializing” well into the late evening hours.

OwlAs far as sleeping habits are concerned, Owls tend to be almost the opposite of Larks, and are often referred to as Night owls – a nod to their proclivity for nighttime activity. The scientific term applied here is nocturnal – meaning this group tends to be active into the wee hours of the night and rest (if they can) during the day. For many Owls, the best part of morning is noon, and they are very likely to become more energetic as the day progresses, reaching peak performance in the early evening. True Owls find it difficult to fall asleep before midnight, routinely staying up until two or three in the morning. It is not unusual to hear them say they rarely get into bed on the same day they got out of bed. If you were to continue reading the results from your previous search engine query, you would find reports that claim two of every ten people can be classified as Owls. Question: if Larks represent the norm, why are there twice as many Owls? Just asking. There was a time when Owls were thought to be lazy and of lesser intellect than Larks. Current reports debunk this myth, and in fact, show that as a whole, members of the Owl category tend to be at least as healthy and wealthy as their Lark counterparts. And let’s face it, how would one actually quantify wisdom?

HummingbirdHummingbirds, known only as Hummingbirds, is a term used to apply to everybody else – the remaining seventy percent of the population. Hummingbirds don’t actually have a scientific term assigned to their activity and rest cycles, but I don’t want them to feel left out, so we will call them ambiurnal – meaning they may oscillate between preferences for daytime and nighttime activities as needed, and rest whenever they can. Hummingbirds have the ability to move between morningness and eveningness at will, although some may show distinct “larkish” or “owlish” tendencies by hovering closer to one end of the day-night spectrum or the other.

If you were to place these three birds on a continuum that stretched from morning to night, you would find Larks on the morning end, relishing their worms, and Owls on the evening end, exploring opportunities for a bigger payoff. Hummingbirds would flit back and forth in-between. This is generally of necessity – if they don’t flit, they don’t eat.

I realize this report shows a definite bias, but, as a certified Night Owl, I can’t apologize for that. Blame it on the DNA – I hear that the whole Early Bird/Night Owl thing is genetic, but I will explore that issue in another report.

Not birds of a feather

End entry .\ /.

Coffee Therapy

13 Saturday Jul 2013

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e.m.PD mugs
For many years it has been a widely held belief that coffee – or some other highly caffeinated beverage – is the treatment of choice for early morning Personality Disorder (e.m.PD). In fact, the consumption of coffee – and by some reports, copious amounts ingested over extended periods of time – may prove to be palliative therapy at best. That means treating the symptoms, not the condition.

That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Take, for example, someone in the general population who wakes to find he has succumbed to the common cold. Colds are caused by a virus creating physical and mental havoc in your body. Once you contract this vicious little condition you’re obligated to let it run its rampant little course, and in about a week to ten days you usually feel better (unless it’s not that virus but something totally different). Even if you endure every cold remedy on the shelf of your local pharmacy, it is still going to take about a week to ten days for the common cold virus to declare victory and move on. (FACT: Antibiotics will NOT cure a cold and should not be used all willy-nilly, it just makes things worse down the road.) Meanwhile, to make yourself feel a little better while you’re waiting, you can treat the symptoms that generally accompany your cold – the coughing, sneezing, runny nose…

e.m.PD is a tiny bit like that – the episode has to run its course, and then you feel better. The people around you usually feel better too. Treating e.m.PD is a lot like treating a cold, you’re not treating the condition, you’re treating the symptoms. Enter coffee. That scintillating nectar that soothes the raging beast. That aromatic potion filled with the promise of tranquility. That intoxicating elixir of hope. Although the medicinal effects of coffee are still being debated, many e.m.PD members will swear that they are completely dependent on the drink’s therapeutic properties to get them started on the road to a positive personality adjustment.

For those who aren’t sucking their Java straight from the bean, the mere act of preparing a cup of coffee is almost as important as drinking it – beginning with your favorite cup or mug, or, in a pinch, an acceptable substitute. You catch your breath a little as that first steaming splash hits the bottom of the cup, transforming the cold void into a sea of deep mahogany bliss. You softly exhale, as if the process of breathing is the catalyst causing your brew to rise higher and higher in that magnificent vessel of joy. OK, enough of that.

The act of drinking coffee is actually akin to the universal sign for choking – or any of the other universal signs we’ve grown accustomed to – most people will recognize it and respond accordingly. Sipping a cup of coffee appears to be an indication to others that says, “Look, I need a second here. Let me finish this one sip and then we’ll talk.” I have found that many e.m.PD members use Coffee Therapy in conjunction with Avoidance Therapy to create an environment conducive to working through their personality adjustment phase.

CASE STUDY 580311: Wayne is an office manager from the Boomer generation whose duties require him to be on the clock by eight a.m. Although he exhibits a natural affinity for nocturnal activity, he tends to retire fairly early in the evening, usually around nine – ten at the latest – in order to be sure he’s able to get up and get to work on time. He admits that he usually goes to bed much later on weekends, often staying up until eleven or twelve at night. Here he describes the routine that helps him cope with his early morning workday: ‘I like to wake up around five a.m. because it’s dark and quiet. I like to make myself a cup of steaming hot coffee and sit out on the balcony to drink it. There’s something about having that first cup of coffee out there. The stars and planets are still out and you can see them sparkle on that black background. Sometimes I see shooting stars and meteorites. Sometimes I see other stuff – especially one of those stars that stops moving in mid-air and changes direction really fast. [He laughs] I believe! But to sit there and watch as the darkness starts to fade and the sun starts coming up – the colors are so magnificent. And to see that transition as things you couldn’t see in the dark start to transform and take shape. It’s beautiful. It’s relaxing. Seeing the sun rise just as I’m finishing that first cup of coffee helps me deal with the fact that now I have to go in and get ready for work, and for dealing with the knuckleheads.’

Wayne goes on to explain that he’s not particularly interested in sharing this part of his day with anyone. He thinks of it as the “me time” that allows him to prepare to face the rest of the day, and the people in it. He’ll pour the remaining pot of coffee into a thermos, admitting that he usually has another cup during his commute to work, and may start a third cup when he gets to his desk.

End entry .\ /.

e.m.PD mug collection