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~ … a Night Owl dealing with early morning Personality Disorder

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Tag Archives: discovery

Fine Cars and a Change in Attitude

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

Posted by Gert in Out & About

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discovery, epiphany, new attitude, self help

BMW logo and front end

It was an epiphany. It’s the only way I can explain it – the day that I realized the huge PROBLEM that was causing me so much worry and stress wasn’t a problem at all, it was an OPPORTUNITY that I had dressed with the wrong attitude.

Today, it feels like a page turned and the illustration showed me that what I had deemed to be an intrusion, something that was getting in the way of my life’s plan, is actually an opportunity to not only learn something new, but also an opportunity to help others in the process.

You’re probably wondering where the fine cars come into play. Well, it occurred to me that from the first day this opportunity presented itself, I revved up and started rolling around it like a B.M.W… Bitchin’. Moanin’. Whinin’… and I needed to stop.

It was a short drive to part two of the epiphany: attitude is contagious. When I felt all grumpy and sour about my situation, my situation was grumpy and sour. When I changed, the situation – and the people involved – seemed to change, and things got easier. Life got easier, and I am once again cruising along in the happy lane.

I’ll be the first to admit that this all sounds just a little cliché. OK, a lot cliché. But, I am here to tell you, this is real people! I made a conscious decision to change my attitude, and now, as I look back on the earlier stages of this opportunity, I realize that the only thing that really underwent any significant change was me… and my attitude.

As for that fine car in the photo, the owner tells me it’s awesome – just like the change in my attitude.

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I Am HERE

08 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by Gert in Out & About

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back on track, chaos, discovery, don't ever give up, finding balance, work

colorful swirl of chaos

Have you ever been in that place where you feel compelled to add something to your current routine or way of life, and then that “something” starts to take over? That’s what happened to me.

My landlord and utility company were the impetus for this momentous decision. In spite of my kicking and screaming, they pushed me to seek a more stable source of income. They said, “Writing is fine, but you need to pay your bills. Someday, you will make a decent living with your writing,” (LOL! That was me, but they would have said it if they had known how much I want it), “but, meanwhile, you need to do something else.” So, I did.

Truth be told, I’m just not into the whole ‘starving artist’ gig. Been there, done that, got the skinny jeans rolled up in the back of my closet to prove it. Over the years I have moved on, and I have grown accustomed to living a certain lifestyle – heat in the winter, food in the pantry – you know – the basics.

I never planned to return to the practice of hands-on patient care, my plans were quite the opposite. But, I feel as though I am supposed to be here at this point in time, with this patient, – no matter how reluctantly I arrived. And, she keeps me pretty busy.

For the past several months I have struggled with how to adjust my time, and my energy, mostly my energy, to fit this “something” into the life and schedule I had worked so long to develop. The one that included spending time with my family, regular workouts, and devoting hours and hours to writing stories and making stuff. The fun things that I really enjoyed and didn’t want to give up. It was tough. Being responsible for the care and welfare of another living being is a really big deal, and one I don’t dare approach half-heartedly. It has taken time, and determination, to find a working balance so that I can get back to the other “somethings” I love. Actually, I’m still working on the balance, and on figuring out how to unravel the chaos that is my life at the moment. But, I am HERE.

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Bob Ross

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by Gert in OPC

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Bob Ross, discovery, inspiration, joy, painting

Bob RossI love Bob Ross, and I just happened to notice that yesterday, he would have turned seventy-one years old.

Discovering Bob Ross was one of those “happy little accidents”. I was looking for a way to stay occupied during my morning walks – on the treadmill – and found him on the PBS Create channel.

I know. Normal people usually try to find something with a rockin’ beat to work out to. Something that will get their heart pumping and the oxygen flowing. Well, I guess I won’t claim to be anything that I’m not…

I first heard of Bob Ross years ago, long before I started my workouts with him. But, I wasn’t especially motivated to watch him paint, or anybody else for that matter. I’m just not into the whole watching paint dry thing. Truth be told, I am actually drawn more to his process, rather than the finished product. I think it may be the calm demeanor and the soothing tone that has me hooked. It’s very therapeutic.

I read somewhere that a stint in the Air Force helped him discover who he wasn’t, and a television show about oil painting helped him discover who he was. I can relate to that. In life, you may have to “do what you gotta do until you can do what you wanna do”. And no, that isn’t a Bob Ross quote. But this is:

The secret to doing anything is believing. Anything you believe you can do strong enough, you can do. Anything. All you have to do is believe.

Bob Ross October 29, 1942 – July 4, 1995

Bob Ross

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e.m.PD: The Prequel

05 Saturday Oct 2013

Posted by Gert in Notebook Pages

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anti-social, discovery, e.m.PD, early mornings, not a morning person, personality adjustment

Grump MonsterSeveral years ago, my brother suffered a stroke. He was forty-something – barely forty-something.

One of the lingering side effects of the stroke was that this man – a man who was once the epitome of tact and protocol, suddenly developed a rather disconcerting habit of saying exactly what he thought of things – and people, and what he thought was heavily dependent on his mood at the time. I openly acknowledge that I was a little jealous that he got a free pass when he did this, because of the stroke and all, so I tried it (not the stroke part). We’re close like that. His pain – my pain. His pass – my pass.

Needless to say, I dived right in, feet first. My conversations became very efficient. Snip-snip-done. No more wracking my brain for the right thing to say in a given situation, just say what I really wanted to say, and move on. Who knew that speaking your mind could be so cathartic and liberating? When someone had the audacity to question my behavior I would explain that it was allowed, because my brother had suffered a stroke. I’m not quite sure why, but it didn’t work as well for me as it did for him. Nobody was willing to buy into my assertion that our bond, and his stroke, gave me license to share in his new personality traits. I soon realized that I would have to find another way to deal with my personal grump-monster, and own it. In order to do that, I would have to know what “it” was.

Discovering My Grump Monster’s Identity
Discovery is a process. My initial path to discovery was neither formal nor scientific. It came as a result of paying close attention to “me”, and making note of who I am. Over time, I noticed that there were recurring themes in my attitude toward life, and dealing with the people who entered my life’s bubble – my space. Most of the themes had names, and appeared to be reasonable explanations for why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. But there was one in particular that was yet to be named. It was an elusive constant, always showing up, but not really tangible.

True to the times we were living in, I figured hormones would be the most obvious culprit. I took a long, hard look at the messy monthly marauders that throw everything out of whack. I vaguely recall a popular T-shirt that proclaimed something along the lines of, “I have PMS and a gun. Any questions?” Interesting, but not quite the answer. Being hormonal was only an occasional contributor to the problem, and didn’t fully explain the rest of my grumpy behavior.

(Note to self: It has been suggested that men experience similar hormonal cycles, just not as messy. Need to look into this.)

Monthly personality issues were one thing, but the daily issue that I found myself dealing with – that elusive constant – was an animal of a different breed. I’m talking about my tendency to be very anti-social upon awakening in the wee hours of the morning. And by “wee” I mean anything before 10:00 a.m. There, I said it. When I have to wake up at six in the morning to get ready for my day, well, let’s just say it takes time and effort to get my attitude adjusted and ready to participate in social interactions.

This is a snapshot of that particular routine: I startle and reach blindly for the snooze button when the alarm blasts – it’s about an hour or so before the time I need to leave the house in order to arrive in a timely fashion for whatever event demands my presence. I say an hour or so because the clock is set to run at least ten to fifteen minutes ahead of reality. It’s a psychology thing, or maybe a psycho thing. Opening the tiniest slit I can manage in my eyelid curtain, I glare at the clock, as if I’m actually shocked the alarm sounded at the agreed upon time that I had set, just moments before calling it a night. The curtain closes, and I just lay there, knowing the alarm will blast again in nine minutes. Alarm. Snooze. Repeat. In between alarms I am thinking, and giving myself a little pep talk. I also say a little prayer before my feet ever hit the floor – I’m thankful for another day of life, and I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I finally roll out of bed, I make a beeline for the bathroom. I have found that a really long, hot shower does wonders for my personality, and I indulge for the sake of others. This is my refuge, my momentary sanctuary from social life.

I was actually in the shower when I had my Aha! moment. Like any great scientist, I felt that I had earned the right to name my little discovery. Grump Monster certainly didn’t fit the bill for something that could someday become the subject of academic study and animated discussion, perhaps even the cover story of a renowned medical journal. Standing there, in that steaming hot shower, I realized – I have early morning Personality Disorder. I have e.m.PD.

Finally! I had a name for the elusive constant, a name for the recurrent theme that had played a significant role in my attitude towards life, and people, for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t wait to test my theory, and the new name, on friends and family. I could finally tell them that this is a real condition – very complex, and very real. The most striking characteristic of e.m.PD is an aversion, of varying degree, to any type of social interaction when awakened during the early morning hours. For me, I’m fairly sociable after 10:00 a.m. If I wake up before that, I need time alone to get my personality adjusted. Right around 2:00 p.m. everything starts humming and I’m kicking it into high gear. My creativity tends to peak between the hours of 6:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., and life is good. Eventually, I go to bed, knowing full well that the e.m. hours are coming. Again.

End entry .\ /.

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I'm just an Owl trying to make it in this Early Bird world. I'm dealing with early morning Personality Disorder...and other issues surrounding the sleep-wake cycle. You can call me Gert, and this is my Therapy Journal. Welcome to my world.

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