Category Archives: Notebook Pages

A place for my unofficial research on living with e.m.PD

Santa is a Night Owl – With e.m.PD

25 Wednesday Dec 2013

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emPD SantaFor the past several weeks people everywhere have been hustling and bustling, holiday shopping lists and party invitations clenched tightly in their fists. Bell ringers were strategically posted by choice retail doors to remind us of the spirit of this giving season. Grown men and women were not the least bit embarrassed to be seen in public wearing pointy hats and ugly Christmas sweaters. Just this past week alone, traffic within two miles of any mall has been bumper to bumper all day long. Ah yes, the activities of holiday celebrations are in full swing.

I have to admit to being the teeniest bit annoyed with the intrusiveness of it all, when in the midst of my Scroogitude I had an epiphany – Santa is a Night Owl with e.m.PD! That realization changed me, and I transformed from a scrooge to a sleuth. On Christmas Eve I decided it was time to prove my hypothesis, so I made plans to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, hoping to get an interview with the jolly old owl when he stopped by my place to deliver gifts.

While I waited, I monitored his travel progress on NORAD, and baked chocolate chip cookies. Given the right set of circumstances, I am not above resorting to bribery.

I also took the time to review pages and pages of data related to this Santa Owl, I could hardly wait to officially welcome him as a fellow member of the e.m.PD community.

Well, I’m not as young as I used to be, and the last few days have been exhausting, what with the hustling and bustling and all. When I awakened from my slumber, daylight was streaming through the blinds. Humbug!

A quick scan of my surroundings revealed that nothing was out of place, and nothing had been added to the landscape – not one single present. But, by that same token, I didn’t see any coal or coal residue.

I made my way to the kitchen, noting that several cookies were missing from the tray, and there was an empty milk glass on the counter. Then I remembered how much I enjoy a glass of cold milk with chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven… I guess that explains the carb coma.

So, long story about to get longer, I don’t have confirmation from the primary source, but I am sure Santa is a Night Owl with e.m.PD.

Wait a minute now, before you completely discount my assertion let’s take a look at the following data I have collected on Santa:

    Willing to live in isolation to avoid early morning interactions: Perhaps a bit extreme, but let’s face it, there’s no such thing as someone just being in the neighborhood and dropping by for a visit when you live at the North Pole.
    Prefers to work alone, late at night: Delivering gifts around the world is a solitary task, but I think it is a choice rather than a necessity.
    When required to work with others, prefers like-minded individuals: No one seems to know for sure, but the assistants, aka Elves, are believed to be indigenous to the area and are most likely night owls as well.
    Tries to avoid interacting with others: According to the available data, he waits until his target is sleeping before he makes his appearance to complete his delivery tasks.
    People who attempt to engage during his “me” time generally find themselves on the naughty list: I may be on that list now, but a sleuth has to at least try.
    Prefers staying up all night to get his work done over getting an early start in the morning: And we’re talking a six-month night here. It starts getting dark in late September and he doesn’t see daylight again until late in March. I find it interesting that the peak of darkness at the North Pole occurs during Christmas week. Very interesting indeed.

So there it is. You decide. I hope you have a Blessed Holiday Season… and I did get some pretty cool gifts by the way, they were delivered to my daughter’s house. Guess he has a sense of humor as well.

End entry .\ /.

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21 Signs That You May Have early morning Personality Disorder

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

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e.m.PD Warning SignAs I continue my research with early morning Personality Disorder, or e.m.PD, I have found that members of the group tend to report, and exhibit, several fairly common characteristics. I have compiled these characteristic behaviors into a list of signs that can be used to validate the presence of e.m.PD. Feel free to use this resource as a tool to determine whether you, or someone you know, might have e.m.PD.

If 3 or more of the warning signs on this list apply to you, you may have e.m.PD.
(It helps to channel Jeff Foxworthy while reading)

You know you might have e.m.PD if…

  1. on waking in the morning, you lie in bed and pretend to be asleep for as long as possible to avoid conversation with your significant other.
  2. your clock is set 20 minutes ahead of reality, and you pretend you don’t know so that you can have a little “me” time before facing your day.
  3. you spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower just to get your personality adjusted.
  4. the best part of your morning is NOON.
  5. you use the back door at work to avoid conversations with co-workers.
  6. your family leaves a caffeine offering on the counter and disappears.
  7. you have been known to snarl, hiss, and/or growl before you have your morning coffee.
  8. any conversations that occur prior to your first cup of coffee require a disclaimer.
  9. your subconscious response to a cheery “Good Morning!” is a withering scowl.
  10. you prefer seeing the sunrise at the end of your day.
  11. caffeine in large doses is a pre-requisite to morning conversation.
  12. you require a “personality adjustment” prior to engaging in social interactions occurring before 10:00 a.m.
  13. your friends and family frequently compare your morning disposition to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
  14. you feel a need to indulge in “chocolate therapy” prior to early morning social interactions.
  15. forgetting your Personality Spray™ leads to some tense social situations.
  16. the thought of engaging in social interactions before your coffee kicks in causes noticeable facial tics.
  17. you find the idea of waking up at six-thirty in the morning morally reprehensible.
  18. you barricade yourself in your office until you have time to get your personality adjusted.
  19. you consistently schedule events that require social interaction to begin after 10:00 a.m.
  20. you would rather BE up at 5:00 a.m. than to WAKE up at 5:00 a.m.
  21. you’re secretly working on a plot to take over the world and banish all morning types to the Emerald City – without shiny shoes.

emPD Warning

End entry .\ /.

Personality Spray

10 Thursday Oct 2013

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Cans of Whoopass on the shelf

On the shelf in Calico CA

Over the years I have heard many people – most of them could probably be identified as e.m.PD members – reference the proverbial “can of Whoopass”. You know – the terse response that is not uncommon in situations where one feels grumpy, annoyed, and/or irritable for one reason or another.

I used to be the worse, but, over time, wisdom prevailed and I changed my ways. Now, when I find myself feeling a bit irritable, or otherwise in need of a personality adjustment, I find it much more appropriate to reach for my Personality Spray. “And what, exactly, is Personality Spray?” you might ask. If you will indulge me for just a moment, I’ll share the secret of Personality Spray.

Several years ago, I attended a conference for creative types, hosted by the former Society of Craft Designers. There, I met a young lady who shared a similar concept with a group of us shortly after her presentation. Her demeanor was very pleasant and social, even after what had been a very long day for all of us. As we spent time getting to know her, and asking follow-up questions about the product she was promoting, one participant commented on her fresh personality. She laughed and said, “Oh, I’m not normally this way, especially after a long day.”
“So, what’s your secret?”
“Conference Spray.”
“Conference Spray?”
“Yes, Conference Spray. I keep a can in my bag, and just before I came out to start my presentation I gave myself a luxurious spray.”

In response to the collective question marks that appeared over our heads, she said, “Here, I’ll show you.” Turning, she rummaged through the contents of her bag, emerging with a triumphant “See? Here it is!”

For a split second, my logical left brain told me she was standing there holding her hand in the air as if her fingers had frozen in the middle of making a slow motion fist. But, my creative right brain quickly corrected the image, and I realized she was indeed holding a can of something. She proceeded to explain.

“Just before every conference presentation I take this can of spray, and starting at my feet, I spray.” Bending forward, she demonstrated, “I slowly move from my feet, up my legs, up my body, up my face.”

As she lifted her head and “sprayed” her face, she inhaled deeply. You could see her demeanor change from a nearly flat affect to a huge, luminous smile that made her eyes sparkle. She beamed at us and said, “That is how I use my Conference Spray to put on my happy face.” We all laughed of course when she encouraged us to check our purses and bags for our own cans. Unfortunately, faulty circuits in my memory files prevent me from recalling her name in order to give her proper credit, but you know who you are, and I thank you for sharing your secret, and for inspiring my version of this idea.

In the years since that conference, I found it necessary to develop a product with a slightly broader range of uses to meet my particular needs, so I created Personality Spray. I keep it with me at all times (even though I have, on occasion, failed to take it out and use it). My can of Personality Spray has the slightest hint of chocolate that only I can smell. If I feel a need for a personality adjustment coming on, I will try to find a private space so that I can initiate the application process. And yes, there have been times when I have had to spray for a prolonged period of time to achieve the desired effect. But, I am a believer. I believe in the power of my chocolate scented Personality Spray, and when I remember to use it, it really does seem to help. I also keep a pocket-sized version on hand for emergencies.

End entry .\ /.

e.m.PD: The Prequel

05 Saturday Oct 2013

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Grump MonsterSeveral years ago, my brother suffered a stroke. He was forty-something – barely forty-something.

One of the lingering side effects of the stroke was that this man – a man who was once the epitome of tact and protocol, suddenly developed a rather disconcerting habit of saying exactly what he thought of things – and people, and what he thought was heavily dependent on his mood at the time. I openly acknowledge that I was a little jealous that he got a free pass when he did this, because of the stroke and all, so I tried it (not the stroke part). We’re close like that. His pain – my pain. His pass – my pass.

Needless to say, I dived right in, feet first. My conversations became very efficient. Snip-snip-done. No more wracking my brain for the right thing to say in a given situation, just say what I really wanted to say, and move on. Who knew that speaking your mind could be so cathartic and liberating? When someone had the audacity to question my behavior I would explain that it was allowed, because my brother had suffered a stroke. I’m not quite sure why, but it didn’t work as well for me as it did for him. Nobody was willing to buy into my assertion that our bond, and his stroke, gave me license to share in his new personality traits. I soon realized that I would have to find another way to deal with my personal grump-monster, and own it. In order to do that, I would have to know what “it” was.

Discovering My Grump Monster’s Identity
Discovery is a process. My initial path to discovery was neither formal nor scientific. It came as a result of paying close attention to “me”, and making note of who I am. Over time, I noticed that there were recurring themes in my attitude toward life, and dealing with the people who entered my life’s bubble – my space. Most of the themes had names, and appeared to be reasonable explanations for why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. But there was one in particular that was yet to be named. It was an elusive constant, always showing up, but not really tangible.

True to the times we were living in, I figured hormones would be the most obvious culprit. I took a long, hard look at the messy monthly marauders that throw everything out of whack. I vaguely recall a popular T-shirt that proclaimed something along the lines of, “I have PMS and a gun. Any questions?” Interesting, but not quite the answer. Being hormonal was only an occasional contributor to the problem, and didn’t fully explain the rest of my grumpy behavior.

(Note to self: It has been suggested that men experience similar hormonal cycles, just not as messy. Need to look into this.)

Monthly personality issues were one thing, but the daily issue that I found myself dealing with – that elusive constant – was an animal of a different breed. I’m talking about my tendency to be very anti-social upon awakening in the wee hours of the morning. And by “wee” I mean anything before 10:00 a.m. There, I said it. When I have to wake up at six in the morning to get ready for my day, well, let’s just say it takes time and effort to get my attitude adjusted and ready to participate in social interactions.

This is a snapshot of that particular routine: I startle and reach blindly for the snooze button when the alarm blasts – it’s about an hour or so before the time I need to leave the house in order to arrive in a timely fashion for whatever event demands my presence. I say an hour or so because the clock is set to run at least ten to fifteen minutes ahead of reality. It’s a psychology thing, or maybe a psycho thing. Opening the tiniest slit I can manage in my eyelid curtain, I glare at the clock, as if I’m actually shocked the alarm sounded at the agreed upon time that I had set, just moments before calling it a night. The curtain closes, and I just lay there, knowing the alarm will blast again in nine minutes. Alarm. Snooze. Repeat. In between alarms I am thinking, and giving myself a little pep talk. I also say a little prayer before my feet ever hit the floor – I’m thankful for another day of life, and I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I finally roll out of bed, I make a beeline for the bathroom. I have found that a really long, hot shower does wonders for my personality, and I indulge for the sake of others. This is my refuge, my momentary sanctuary from social life.

I was actually in the shower when I had my Aha! moment. Like any great scientist, I felt that I had earned the right to name my little discovery. Grump Monster certainly didn’t fit the bill for something that could someday become the subject of academic study and animated discussion, perhaps even the cover story of a renowned medical journal. Standing there, in that steaming hot shower, I realized – I have early morning Personality Disorder. I have e.m.PD.

Finally! I had a name for the elusive constant, a name for the recurrent theme that had played a significant role in my attitude towards life, and people, for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t wait to test my theory, and the new name, on friends and family. I could finally tell them that this is a real condition – very complex, and very real. The most striking characteristic of e.m.PD is an aversion, of varying degree, to any type of social interaction when awakened during the early morning hours. For me, I’m fairly sociable after 10:00 a.m. If I wake up before that, I need time alone to get my personality adjusted. Right around 2:00 p.m. everything starts humming and I’m kicking it into high gear. My creativity tends to peak between the hours of 6:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., and life is good. Eventually, I go to bed, knowing full well that the e.m. hours are coming. Again.

End entry .\ /.

Chocolate Therapy

22 Thursday Aug 2013

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Chocolate TherapyAhhh… chocolate. The feel good food. The divine bounty of royals. The ambrosia of love and romance. The real eighth wonder of the world.

It’s quite a process, but the chocolate that we know and love is derived from the fruit of the cacao tree. The Latin name, Theobroma cacao, translates to “food of the gods”. For centuries, the cacao beans (seeds) were so highly valued in some societies that they were actually used as currency.

Chocolate has a very mystical allure that has been well documented, dating back to the Mayans and Aztecs. These ancient cultures held a strong belief that the strange looking cacao beans were magical and possessed spiritual properties. The seeds were used as offerings in sacred rituals surrounding royal and religious events, and priests would serve chocolate drinks during the ceremonies. The Mayans very well may have gotten so caught up in these chocolate parties that they forgot to finish drawing their calendars.

According to data released by anthropologists from the University of Pennsylvania, chocolate has been around for more than three thousand years, dating as far back as 1400 BC. These scientists are reported to have found cacao residue on pottery excavated in Honduras. They believe the pulp of the cacao fruit, which is the sweet part that surrounds the seeds, was fermented to make some sort of alcoholic beverage. I’m just guessing, but that may be what inspired today’s version of chocolate beer. If you’re the adventurous beer drinker type, this could be just the therapy for what ales you.

The original chocolate products were mainly of the bitter drink variety, thank goodness the discriminating palates of the Europeans prompted them to add sweetener and a little milk. Bless you. Today, chocolate is not only one of my favorite e.m.PD therapies, it is also one of the most popular foods and flavors in the world, with the good citizens of Europe and North America leading the pack in chocolate consumption. Some reports indicate that the average American consumes up to twelve pounds of chocolate every year, and the Swiss top that with up to an amazing twenty-two pounds each year. I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking there’s no way you have eaten anywhere near that much chocolate… I ate yours.

Chocolate has long been the subject of much research and debate. Lately, the reports from all of this chocolate conversation have been favorable. We are hearing that in addition to chocolate’s nutritive value, it has medicinal and aphrodisiac qualities as well. While the researchers readily admit they don’t quite understand how it all works, they continue to be fascinated with discovering how chocolate consumption affects our health. For instance, it is generally agreed that chocolate contains over three hundred different chemicals. Two that have been specifically identified are caffeine and theobromine, which produce a synergistic stimulant effect to lift your spirits and your attitude. Phenylethylamine, a step-cousin of amphetamines, is another stimulant found in chocolate, and is linked to a sense of euphoria comparable to feelings of being in love – also known as a state of bliss. These stimulants work on the “give a damn” sections of our brain that control our ability to pay attention and stay alert. They may also help control inappropriate responses to forced social interactions that occur during the early morning hours, when our social centers are still in snooze mode.

Unless you live under a rock in Bikini Bottom, you have probably heard that antioxidants are good for you. Flavanols are a type of antioxidant found in cocoa (cacao) beans. These dark chocolate flavanols can improve your overall cardiovascular health, and may help control your blood pressure. This is especially important when you’re diligently working your way through a bout of e.m.PD and somebody wants to discuss your feelings. Researchers wonder if there is an indirect effect on brain health due to the increased blood flow to brain cells. The question is – does a brain treated to a delicious dose of chocolate work better than a plain brain? The answer is yes, yes it does. Although I am intrigued by the research, I am not too concerned about the results. I know for a fact that chocolate makes me feel good, and ultimately, that’s a good thing for the people who have to be around me.

Personally, I like to keep a small stash of chocolates on hand in a variety of flavors and forms – for emergencies. In a matter of minutes I can whip up a steaming cup of hot cocoa, or stir up an ice-cold glass of chocolate milk. In a matter of seconds I can visit my “chocolate vault” and select a delectable, relationship-saving morsel. This, I gladly do for the good of humanity. OK, it’s really for me, the humanity thing is an appreciable side effect.

Chocolate is extremely versatile when used as an e.m.PD therapy. You can eat it, you can drink it, and you can even combine it with other therapies such as Coffee Therapy and Avoidance Therapy. For many non-coffee drinkers, chocolate is the go-to alternative, and may soon replace coffee as second only to Avoidance Therapy.

As far as reports concerning other medicinal qualities of chocolate are concerned, I have a friend who swears M&Ms are like an anti-depressant in a candy coated shell. And, if you decide to scarf down a handful it doesn’t trigger frantic calls to 9-1-1.

Still, there’s a lot of ongoing research regarding the actual therapeutic effects of chocolate. This is a special note to the chocolate researchers – I’m available. Call me: 866-CHOCO – umm, maybe an Owl Gram would be better.

For more info on the history of chocolate, and links to research data, please refer to articles posted by Kat Morgenstern, Amanda Bensen, Maria Godoy, and the fine folks over at the Exploratorium. Enjoy the reading and enjoy your Chocolate Therapy!

End entry .\ /.