Tag Archives: humor

If This Was a Food Blog

19 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Kitchen Creations

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Kitchen Clock
If this was a food blog, which it isn’t, I would definitely use this little clock as the background, or the header, for the site. If I should ever write a cookbook, which isn’t likely, I would try to figure out how to use it on the cover. I love this clock, and yet, I have never actually used it for its intended purpose. I made it several years ago during a time when I was experimenting with clay and wood. And some other mixed-media stuff. If I must say so myself, it turned out rather nicely.

It was around the time that I seemed to be going through a phase where I made a lot of clocks. And not just any clocks, I made “unusual” clocks. There was one that was made using an old CD with bead trim, a wooden dowel, and pieces of leather. It looked like a giant flower. A giant ticking flower.

There was also my painted masterpiece that became a framed canvas collage clock covered with window screen – I’ll bet you can’t say that three times really fast without messing up. And I really liked the old copper teapot that found new life as a clock. I would love to post the pictures, but they have proved to be …elusive.

Of all the clocks I have ever made, this Kitchen Clock is my favorite. I especially love the poem, “A New Cook’s Prayer”, printed on the background, and you can read it below.

I briefly considered writing the design instructions, just in case somebody wanted to replicate this little darling. Unfortunately, instruction writing has always been my least favorite part of the design process. So I didn’t. I’m thrilled, however, that I happened to find this picture in my files, and I wanted to share it here. On my “not a food blog” blog.

A New Cook’s Prayer

I bought a spoon, I bought a book
But precious Lord, I still can’t cook

So bless Oh Lord, all who dare
Eat these meals that I prepare

And I pray that by and by
I’ll get better with each try
— by Lavette

Always Grumpy

21 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by in Out & About

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Always Grumpy TShirt image

So, this is my second most favorite T-Shirt. I wear it a lot. But you probably got that from the rather faded appearance. I like to think of it as a good-natured warning, and I happen to think it’s hilarious to watch people read it, and then look at me to see how I will respond to the fact that they have been staring at my grumpy torso. My smile usually throws them off a bit – I guess they aren’t expecting someone who claims to be “Always Grumpy” to have any interest in smiling. Truth is, grumps like me tend to have a rather warped sense of humor – on good days – and that makes us smile.

Last week, my daughter and I stopped by Wally World to pick up a few things on our way home. She hates grocery shopping, and occasionally talks me into tagging along with her to make the task more bearable. For her. While we were there, with me wearing my second most favorite T-Shirt, this actually happened:

I could tell the older gentleman queued at the far end of the soup aisle was taking in the message displayed on my shirt, but I pretended not to notice, making a point of avoiding eye contact by studiously reviewing the labels on items I had no intention of purchasing. There were several shoppers between us, pushing their carts along as they too eyed the various selections, prominently displayed on the shelves in an array of colors, sizes, and flavors. Like rush hour traffic on a busy city street, we slowly made our way; the carts on the left traveling down the aisle, while the carts on the right travelled up the aisle.

I skillfully maneuvered through the bumper-to-bumper traffic, finally pulling up next to him in the other lane, like two cars travelling to opposite ends of town. His eyes narrowed slightly as he tilted his head back a bit, “Where’d you get that shirt?” he demanded.

Glancing down briefly, as if to remind myself which fashion statement I had carefully selected before leaving home earlier, then looking up to meet his probing gaze, “At Disney,” I offered, not at all offended by the gruffness of his inquiry.

Adjusting his stance, he leaned forward slightly, gripping the handle of his loaded shopping cart as if it would keep him from toppling over as he endeavored to balance the dimensions of his noteworthy girth over his matchstick legs, “Do you really think that’s what you are?”

I could feel the smile quietly splitting my face into a grinning, “Of course,” while jerking my thumb in my daughter’s direction, “ask her.”

I could hear her soft affirmation coming over my right shoulder as the portly gentleman bellowed, “Me too! That’s me – a grumpy old man.” I chuckled as he continued, “I guess it comes with old age. You get old, and you get grumpy.”

“I guess so,” I lied. I knew for a fact that age wasn’t the issue. The mini-me gently nudging my shoulder was proof of that. She was over shopping. She was ready to move on. Beeeeeeep!!

Santa is a Night Owl – With e.m.PD

25 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Notebook Pages

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emPD SantaFor the past several weeks people everywhere have been hustling and bustling, holiday shopping lists and party invitations clenched tightly in their fists. Bell ringers were strategically posted by choice retail doors to remind us of the spirit of this giving season. Grown men and women were not the least bit embarrassed to be seen in public wearing pointy hats and ugly Christmas sweaters. Just this past week alone, traffic within two miles of any mall has been bumper to bumper all day long. Ah yes, the activities of holiday celebrations are in full swing.

I have to admit to being the teeniest bit annoyed with the intrusiveness of it all, when in the midst of my Scroogitude I had an epiphany – Santa is a Night Owl with e.m.PD! That realization changed me, and I transformed from a scrooge to a sleuth. On Christmas Eve I decided it was time to prove my hypothesis, so I made plans to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, hoping to get an interview with the jolly old owl when he stopped by my place to deliver gifts.

While I waited, I monitored his travel progress on NORAD, and baked chocolate chip cookies. Given the right set of circumstances, I am not above resorting to bribery.

I also took the time to review pages and pages of data related to this Santa Owl, I could hardly wait to officially welcome him as a fellow member of the e.m.PD community.

Well, I’m not as young as I used to be, and the last few days have been exhausting, what with the hustling and bustling and all. When I awakened from my slumber, daylight was streaming through the blinds. Humbug!

A quick scan of my surroundings revealed that nothing was out of place, and nothing had been added to the landscape – not one single present. But, by that same token, I didn’t see any coal or coal residue.

I made my way to the kitchen, noting that several cookies were missing from the tray, and there was an empty milk glass on the counter. Then I remembered how much I enjoy a glass of cold milk with chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven… I guess that explains the carb coma.

So, long story about to get longer, I don’t have confirmation from the primary source, but I am sure Santa is a Night Owl with e.m.PD.

Wait a minute now, before you completely discount my assertion let’s take a look at the following data I have collected on Santa:

    Willing to live in isolation to avoid early morning interactions: Perhaps a bit extreme, but let’s face it, there’s no such thing as someone just being in the neighborhood and dropping by for a visit when you live at the North Pole.
    Prefers to work alone, late at night: Delivering gifts around the world is a solitary task, but I think it is a choice rather than a necessity.
    When required to work with others, prefers like-minded individuals: No one seems to know for sure, but the assistants, aka Elves, are believed to be indigenous to the area and are most likely night owls as well.
    Tries to avoid interacting with others: According to the available data, he waits until his target is sleeping before he makes his appearance to complete his delivery tasks.
    People who attempt to engage during his “me” time generally find themselves on the naughty list: I may be on that list now, but a sleuth has to at least try.
    Prefers staying up all night to get his work done over getting an early start in the morning: And we’re talking a six-month night here. It starts getting dark in late September and he doesn’t see daylight again until late in March. I find it interesting that the peak of darkness at the North Pole occurs during Christmas week. Very interesting indeed.

So there it is. You decide. I hope you have a Blessed Holiday Season… and I did get some pretty cool gifts by the way, they were delivered to my daughter’s house. Guess he has a sense of humor as well.

End entry .\ /.

21 Signs That You May Have early morning Personality Disorder

13 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Notebook Pages

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e.m.PD Warning SignAs I continue my research with early morning Personality Disorder, or e.m.PD, I have found that members of the group tend to report, and exhibit, several fairly common characteristics. I have compiled these characteristic behaviors into a list of signs that can be used to validate the presence of e.m.PD. Feel free to use this resource as a tool to determine whether you, or someone you know, might have e.m.PD.

If 3 or more of the warning signs on this list apply to you, you may have e.m.PD.
(It helps to channel Jeff Foxworthy while reading)

You know you might have e.m.PD if…

  1. on waking in the morning, you lie in bed and pretend to be asleep for as long as possible to avoid conversation with your significant other.
  2. your clock is set 20 minutes ahead of reality, and you pretend you don’t know so that you can have a little “me” time before facing your day.
  3. you spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower just to get your personality adjusted.
  4. the best part of your morning is NOON.
  5. you use the back door at work to avoid conversations with co-workers.
  6. your family leaves a caffeine offering on the counter and disappears.
  7. you have been known to snarl, hiss, and/or growl before you have your morning coffee.
  8. any conversations that occur prior to your first cup of coffee require a disclaimer.
  9. your subconscious response to a cheery “Good Morning!” is a withering scowl.
  10. you prefer seeing the sunrise at the end of your day.
  11. caffeine in large doses is a pre-requisite to morning conversation.
  12. you require a “personality adjustment” prior to engaging in social interactions occurring before 10:00 a.m.
  13. your friends and family frequently compare your morning disposition to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
  14. you feel a need to indulge in “chocolate therapy” prior to early morning social interactions.
  15. forgetting your Personality Spray™ leads to some tense social situations.
  16. the thought of engaging in social interactions before your coffee kicks in causes noticeable facial tics.
  17. you find the idea of waking up at six-thirty in the morning morally reprehensible.
  18. you barricade yourself in your office until you have time to get your personality adjusted.
  19. you consistently schedule events that require social interaction to begin after 10:00 a.m.
  20. you would rather BE up at 5:00 a.m. than to WAKE up at 5:00 a.m.
  21. you’re secretly working on a plot to take over the world and banish all morning types to the Emerald City – without shiny shoes.

emPD Warning

End entry .\ /.

Personality Spray

10 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Notebook Pages

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Cans of Whoopass on the shelf

On the shelf in Calico CA

Over the years I have heard many people – most of them could probably be identified as e.m.PD members – reference the proverbial “can of Whoopass”. You know – the terse response that is not uncommon in situations where one feels grumpy, annoyed, and/or irritable for one reason or another.

I used to be the worse, but, over time, wisdom prevailed and I changed my ways. Now, when I find myself feeling a bit irritable, or otherwise in need of a personality adjustment, I find it much more appropriate to reach for my Personality Spray. “And what, exactly, is Personality Spray?” you might ask. If you will indulge me for just a moment, I’ll share the secret of Personality Spray.

Several years ago, I attended a conference for creative types, hosted by the former Society of Craft Designers. There, I met a young lady who shared a similar concept with a group of us shortly after her presentation. Her demeanor was very pleasant and social, even after what had been a very long day for all of us. As we spent time getting to know her, and asking follow-up questions about the product she was promoting, one participant commented on her fresh personality. She laughed and said, “Oh, I’m not normally this way, especially after a long day.”
“So, what’s your secret?”
“Conference Spray.”
“Conference Spray?”
“Yes, Conference Spray. I keep a can in my bag, and just before I came out to start my presentation I gave myself a luxurious spray.”

In response to the collective question marks that appeared over our heads, she said, “Here, I’ll show you.” Turning, she rummaged through the contents of her bag, emerging with a triumphant “See? Here it is!”

For a split second, my logical left brain told me she was standing there holding her hand in the air as if her fingers had frozen in the middle of making a slow motion fist. But, my creative right brain quickly corrected the image, and I realized she was indeed holding a can of something. She proceeded to explain.

“Just before every conference presentation I take this can of spray, and starting at my feet, I spray.” Bending forward, she demonstrated, “I slowly move from my feet, up my legs, up my body, up my face.”

As she lifted her head and “sprayed” her face, she inhaled deeply. You could see her demeanor change from a nearly flat affect to a huge, luminous smile that made her eyes sparkle. She beamed at us and said, “That is how I use my Conference Spray to put on my happy face.” We all laughed of course when she encouraged us to check our purses and bags for our own cans. Unfortunately, faulty circuits in my memory files prevent me from recalling her name in order to give her proper credit, but you know who you are, and I thank you for sharing your secret, and for inspiring my version of this idea.

In the years since that conference, I found it necessary to develop a product with a slightly broader range of uses to meet my particular needs, so I created Personality Spray. I keep it with me at all times (even though I have, on occasion, failed to take it out and use it). My can of Personality Spray has the slightest hint of chocolate that only I can smell. If I feel a need for a personality adjustment coming on, I will try to find a private space so that I can initiate the application process. And yes, there have been times when I have had to spray for a prolonged period of time to achieve the desired effect. But, I am a believer. I believe in the power of my chocolate scented Personality Spray, and when I remember to use it, it really does seem to help. I also keep a pocket-sized version on hand for emergencies.

End entry .\ /.