Tag Archives: personality adjustment

Personality Spray

10 Thursday Oct 2013

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Cans of Whoopass on the shelf

On the shelf in Calico CA

Over the years I have heard many people – most of them could probably be identified as e.m.PD members – reference the proverbial “can of Whoopass”. You know – the terse response that is not uncommon in situations where one feels grumpy, annoyed, and/or irritable for one reason or another.

I used to be the worse, but, over time, wisdom prevailed and I changed my ways. Now, when I find myself feeling a bit irritable, or otherwise in need of a personality adjustment, I find it much more appropriate to reach for my Personality Spray. “And what, exactly, is Personality Spray?” you might ask. If you will indulge me for just a moment, I’ll share the secret of Personality Spray.

Several years ago, I attended a conference for creative types, hosted by the former Society of Craft Designers. There, I met a young lady who shared a similar concept with a group of us shortly after her presentation. Her demeanor was very pleasant and social, even after what had been a very long day for all of us. As we spent time getting to know her, and asking follow-up questions about the product she was promoting, one participant commented on her fresh personality. She laughed and said, “Oh, I’m not normally this way, especially after a long day.”
“So, what’s your secret?”
“Conference Spray.”
“Conference Spray?”
“Yes, Conference Spray. I keep a can in my bag, and just before I came out to start my presentation I gave myself a luxurious spray.”

In response to the collective question marks that appeared over our heads, she said, “Here, I’ll show you.” Turning, she rummaged through the contents of her bag, emerging with a triumphant “See? Here it is!”

For a split second, my logical left brain told me she was standing there holding her hand in the air as if her fingers had frozen in the middle of making a slow motion fist. But, my creative right brain quickly corrected the image, and I realized she was indeed holding a can of something. She proceeded to explain.

“Just before every conference presentation I take this can of spray, and starting at my feet, I spray.” Bending forward, she demonstrated, “I slowly move from my feet, up my legs, up my body, up my face.”

As she lifted her head and “sprayed” her face, she inhaled deeply. You could see her demeanor change from a nearly flat affect to a huge, luminous smile that made her eyes sparkle. She beamed at us and said, “That is how I use my Conference Spray to put on my happy face.” We all laughed of course when she encouraged us to check our purses and bags for our own cans. Unfortunately, faulty circuits in my memory files prevent me from recalling her name in order to give her proper credit, but you know who you are, and I thank you for sharing your secret, and for inspiring my version of this idea.

In the years since that conference, I found it necessary to develop a product with a slightly broader range of uses to meet my particular needs, so I created Personality Spray. I keep it with me at all times (even though I have, on occasion, failed to take it out and use it). My can of Personality Spray has the slightest hint of chocolate that only I can smell. If I feel a need for a personality adjustment coming on, I will try to find a private space so that I can initiate the application process. And yes, there have been times when I have had to spray for a prolonged period of time to achieve the desired effect. But, I am a believer. I believe in the power of my chocolate scented Personality Spray, and when I remember to use it, it really does seem to help. I also keep a pocket-sized version on hand for emergencies.

End entry .\ /.

e.m.PD: The Prequel

05 Saturday Oct 2013

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Grump MonsterSeveral years ago, my brother suffered a stroke. He was forty-something – barely forty-something.

One of the lingering side effects of the stroke was that this man – a man who was once the epitome of tact and protocol, suddenly developed a rather disconcerting habit of saying exactly what he thought of things – and people, and what he thought was heavily dependent on his mood at the time. I openly acknowledge that I was a little jealous that he got a free pass when he did this, because of the stroke and all, so I tried it (not the stroke part). We’re close like that. His pain – my pain. His pass – my pass.

Needless to say, I dived right in, feet first. My conversations became very efficient. Snip-snip-done. No more wracking my brain for the right thing to say in a given situation, just say what I really wanted to say, and move on. Who knew that speaking your mind could be so cathartic and liberating? When someone had the audacity to question my behavior I would explain that it was allowed, because my brother had suffered a stroke. I’m not quite sure why, but it didn’t work as well for me as it did for him. Nobody was willing to buy into my assertion that our bond, and his stroke, gave me license to share in his new personality traits. I soon realized that I would have to find another way to deal with my personal grump-monster, and own it. In order to do that, I would have to know what “it” was.

Discovering My Grump Monster’s Identity
Discovery is a process. My initial path to discovery was neither formal nor scientific. It came as a result of paying close attention to “me”, and making note of who I am. Over time, I noticed that there were recurring themes in my attitude toward life, and dealing with the people who entered my life’s bubble – my space. Most of the themes had names, and appeared to be reasonable explanations for why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. But there was one in particular that was yet to be named. It was an elusive constant, always showing up, but not really tangible.

True to the times we were living in, I figured hormones would be the most obvious culprit. I took a long, hard look at the messy monthly marauders that throw everything out of whack. I vaguely recall a popular T-shirt that proclaimed something along the lines of, “I have PMS and a gun. Any questions?” Interesting, but not quite the answer. Being hormonal was only an occasional contributor to the problem, and didn’t fully explain the rest of my grumpy behavior.

(Note to self: It has been suggested that men experience similar hormonal cycles, just not as messy. Need to look into this.)

Monthly personality issues were one thing, but the daily issue that I found myself dealing with – that elusive constant – was an animal of a different breed. I’m talking about my tendency to be very anti-social upon awakening in the wee hours of the morning. And by “wee” I mean anything before 10:00 a.m. There, I said it. When I have to wake up at six in the morning to get ready for my day, well, let’s just say it takes time and effort to get my attitude adjusted and ready to participate in social interactions.

This is a snapshot of that particular routine: I startle and reach blindly for the snooze button when the alarm blasts – it’s about an hour or so before the time I need to leave the house in order to arrive in a timely fashion for whatever event demands my presence. I say an hour or so because the clock is set to run at least ten to fifteen minutes ahead of reality. It’s a psychology thing, or maybe a psycho thing. Opening the tiniest slit I can manage in my eyelid curtain, I glare at the clock, as if I’m actually shocked the alarm sounded at the agreed upon time that I had set, just moments before calling it a night. The curtain closes, and I just lay there, knowing the alarm will blast again in nine minutes. Alarm. Snooze. Repeat. In between alarms I am thinking, and giving myself a little pep talk. I also say a little prayer before my feet ever hit the floor – I’m thankful for another day of life, and I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I finally roll out of bed, I make a beeline for the bathroom. I have found that a really long, hot shower does wonders for my personality, and I indulge for the sake of others. This is my refuge, my momentary sanctuary from social life.

I was actually in the shower when I had my Aha! moment. Like any great scientist, I felt that I had earned the right to name my little discovery. Grump Monster certainly didn’t fit the bill for something that could someday become the subject of academic study and animated discussion, perhaps even the cover story of a renowned medical journal. Standing there, in that steaming hot shower, I realized – I have early morning Personality Disorder. I have e.m.PD.

Finally! I had a name for the elusive constant, a name for the recurrent theme that had played a significant role in my attitude towards life, and people, for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t wait to test my theory, and the new name, on friends and family. I could finally tell them that this is a real condition – very complex, and very real. The most striking characteristic of e.m.PD is an aversion, of varying degree, to any type of social interaction when awakened during the early morning hours. For me, I’m fairly sociable after 10:00 a.m. If I wake up before that, I need time alone to get my personality adjusted. Right around 2:00 p.m. everything starts humming and I’m kicking it into high gear. My creativity tends to peak between the hours of 6:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., and life is good. Eventually, I go to bed, knowing full well that the e.m. hours are coming. Again.

End entry .\ /.

Coffee Therapy

13 Saturday Jul 2013

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e.m.PD mugs
For many years it has been a widely held belief that coffee – or some other highly caffeinated beverage – is the treatment of choice for early morning Personality Disorder (e.m.PD). In fact, the consumption of coffee – and by some reports, copious amounts ingested over extended periods of time – may prove to be palliative therapy at best. That means treating the symptoms, not the condition.

That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Take, for example, someone in the general population who wakes to find he has succumbed to the common cold. Colds are caused by a virus creating physical and mental havoc in your body. Once you contract this vicious little condition you’re obligated to let it run its rampant little course, and in about a week to ten days you usually feel better (unless it’s not that virus but something totally different). Even if you endure every cold remedy on the shelf of your local pharmacy, it is still going to take about a week to ten days for the common cold virus to declare victory and move on. (FACT: Antibiotics will NOT cure a cold and should not be used all willy-nilly, it just makes things worse down the road.) Meanwhile, to make yourself feel a little better while you’re waiting, you can treat the symptoms that generally accompany your cold – the coughing, sneezing, runny nose…

e.m.PD is a tiny bit like that – the episode has to run its course, and then you feel better. The people around you usually feel better too. Treating e.m.PD is a lot like treating a cold, you’re not treating the condition, you’re treating the symptoms. Enter coffee. That scintillating nectar that soothes the raging beast. That aromatic potion filled with the promise of tranquility. That intoxicating elixir of hope. Although the medicinal effects of coffee are still being debated, many e.m.PD members will swear that they are completely dependent on the drink’s therapeutic properties to get them started on the road to a positive personality adjustment.

For those who aren’t sucking their Java straight from the bean, the mere act of preparing a cup of coffee is almost as important as drinking it – beginning with your favorite cup or mug, or, in a pinch, an acceptable substitute. You catch your breath a little as that first steaming splash hits the bottom of the cup, transforming the cold void into a sea of deep mahogany bliss. You softly exhale, as if the process of breathing is the catalyst causing your brew to rise higher and higher in that magnificent vessel of joy. OK, enough of that.

The act of drinking coffee is actually akin to the universal sign for choking – or any of the other universal signs we’ve grown accustomed to – most people will recognize it and respond accordingly. Sipping a cup of coffee appears to be an indication to others that says, “Look, I need a second here. Let me finish this one sip and then we’ll talk.” I have found that many e.m.PD members use Coffee Therapy in conjunction with Avoidance Therapy to create an environment conducive to working through their personality adjustment phase.

CASE STUDY 580311: Wayne is an office manager from the Boomer generation whose duties require him to be on the clock by eight a.m. Although he exhibits a natural affinity for nocturnal activity, he tends to retire fairly early in the evening, usually around nine – ten at the latest – in order to be sure he’s able to get up and get to work on time. He admits that he usually goes to bed much later on weekends, often staying up until eleven or twelve at night. Here he describes the routine that helps him cope with his early morning workday: ‘I like to wake up around five a.m. because it’s dark and quiet. I like to make myself a cup of steaming hot coffee and sit out on the balcony to drink it. There’s something about having that first cup of coffee out there. The stars and planets are still out and you can see them sparkle on that black background. Sometimes I see shooting stars and meteorites. Sometimes I see other stuff – especially one of those stars that stops moving in mid-air and changes direction really fast. [He laughs] I believe! But to sit there and watch as the darkness starts to fade and the sun starts coming up – the colors are so magnificent. And to see that transition as things you couldn’t see in the dark start to transform and take shape. It’s beautiful. It’s relaxing. Seeing the sun rise just as I’m finishing that first cup of coffee helps me deal with the fact that now I have to go in and get ready for work, and for dealing with the knuckleheads.’

Wayne goes on to explain that he’s not particularly interested in sharing this part of his day with anyone. He thinks of it as the “me time” that allows him to prepare to face the rest of the day, and the people in it. He’ll pour the remaining pot of coffee into a thermos, admitting that he usually has another cup during his commute to work, and may start a third cup when he gets to his desk.

End entry .\ /.

e.m.PD mug collection